deliriousII wrote:Taken from another site....long but hilarious
Some of you here already know this story, but i thought it would be a good idea to get it in type.
We have the standard 6ft. wood privacy fence in the backyard. Years ago, i woke up one morning with my neighbors dog in my yard and our dogs in the neighbors yard. Seems they both dug under from either side and met in the middle.
To make sure this never happened again, i got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the bottom. Actually, i did it pirate style and overkilled it. I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for i think 6 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key. The more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day im mowing the back yard- cheapo walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I know for a fact that i unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it as to throw it out of the way. It seems as though didnt unplug it.
Now im standing there, ive got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing i notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and i could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that fawking Briggs & Stratton rolled over, i could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, piss, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did i do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement... you know where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point im about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fencewire. My hand is wraped around the wire palm down so i cant let go. I grew up on a farm so i know all about electric fences... but dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This i could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point im thinking im going to have to just man up and take it until the lawnmower runs out of gas. "****!" i think as i remember i just filled the tank. Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in crap, piss, jizz and with my balls on my chest i think "oh God please die... pleeeeze die". But no, it settles into the rough lumpy cam ilde nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here i am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard begging God to kill me. No really. I actually asked to God to take me. Yes, im agnostic, but as we all know in times like these the agnostic/atheistic crowd will eventually resort to admitting there is a higher power, and then beg said higher power to do their bidding. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly dont know how i got loose from the wire... i woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and i was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where i had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while i was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume i finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically enduced sleep i realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right ass cheek (not the left, the right)
3- crap, piss, and semen when all mixed together do not smell as bad as you would think
4- My left eye will not open
5- My right eye will not close
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously. I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are 2ft. long
8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and i now always check to make sure the fence is unplugged before i mow.
If there is anything to be learned from this story, it's don't by a multi mile charger for a couple hundred yard fence. Several years back, I was having trouble with dogs and cats getting into my garden so I went to the local hardware store and bought a 10 mile or so charger thinking it would be sufficient to keep any and all animals out. After I got the fence set up, I asked my step son to grab the tester out of my truck so we could test it. The tester consisted of the end that you hung on the wire and about a 6 inch metal rod you pushed into the ground for a ground. My step son, after not listening to me tell him to put the ground rod in the ground before hanging the tester on the wire, did it bass ackwards. As soon as he hung it on the wire and then grabbed the rod, it lit his world up. I jumped up to unplug the fence, but he decided it would be best to just hand me the rod so he could let go of it. When he attempted to hand it to me, it lit both of us up. Luckily I had already grabbed the cord and was about to unplug it so I was able to get it undone pretty quick. As soon as the power was off, we both collapsed onto the ground and couldn't move for awhile. Shortly after my bodily functions resumed, I was satisfied that the fence was definitely sufficient enough to stop any animal from getting into my garden, so I grabbed a beer and a lawn chair an sat back to see what happened when a cat or dog tried to go under it. After awhile of nothing happening, I went inside the house and had several more beer and forgot about the fence. A little later I had to let my Malinois out to take care of his business, and he headed straight for the fence. When he got to it, he sniffed it and then hiked his leg up on it. As soon as I realized what was happening, I screamed no to him as loud as I could, but it was too late. I could tell when the stream hit the wire because he nearly folded right there. It didn't take him but about a second or two to recover and he immediately bit the wire. He soon realized this wasn't real smart and nearly tore the fence down trying to let go. When he was finally able to let go, he bit it again! This time, when he attempted to pull away, he broke my connection at the box and he was able to walk away from it. He never went near my garden again though, but I did go ahead and leave the connection at the box loose in case another hard headed dog tried to bite it.