HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Main forum for general non waterfowl discussions as well as general duck hunting information about travel, rules and regulations, and other duck hunting info along with the general topics.

Moderators: Tealer, Indaswamp, Dep6, lostpup, #1wingnut, steve-o, Preacher1011, La. Hunter

HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Postby O.D.Lid » Sun Mar 16, 2014 1:14 pm

:biggrin: Haven't seen any on this forum. There's got to be more than mine out there? Share? I will if you will :yes:
Last edited by O.D.Lid on Sun Mar 16, 2014 9:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
If the ocean was made of WHISKEY and I was a DUCK I'd swim to the bottom and get all F!@#% up!
User avatar
O.D.Lid
hunter
 
Posts: 285
Joined: Mon Mar 18, 2013 8:43 pm
Location: Southern Idaho


Re: HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Postby aunt betty » Sun Mar 16, 2014 1:19 pm

A woman walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender asks her, "where'd you get the pig?".
She says, "its not a pig its a duck". Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck".
INTERNET CREDIBILITY is...an OXYMORON. :moon:
User avatar
aunt betty
hunter
 
Posts: 11229
Joined: Fri Nov 19, 2010 8:09 pm
Location: Go HOGS!

Re: HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Postby aunt betty » Sun Mar 16, 2014 1:20 pm

[attachment=-1]uploadfromtaptalk1394997597921.jpg[/attachment]
Attachments
uploadfromtaptalk1394997597921.jpg
uploadfromtaptalk1394997597921.jpg (69.6 KiB) Viewed 1562 times
INTERNET CREDIBILITY is...an OXYMORON. :moon:
User avatar
aunt betty
hunter
 
Posts: 11229
Joined: Fri Nov 19, 2010 8:09 pm
Location: Go HOGS!

Re: HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Postby sprigs4days » Sun Mar 16, 2014 1:50 pm

Image


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
"Three can keep a secret, if two are dead"
User avatar
sprigs4days
hunter
 
Posts: 2985
Joined: Fri Feb 24, 2012 11:04 am
Location: California

Re: HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Postby O.D.Lid » Sun Mar 16, 2014 1:56 pm

OK aunt betty that's a funny start. Here's one of mine. :beer: A guy walks into a bar and tell's the bartender "If I can show you the most unique thing you have ever seen will you buy me a couple of free drinks?" Bartender says "I've seen 'em all but go ahead." The guy pulls out of his coat pocket a 6" piano and 2" piano stool sets them down on the bar. Then he pulls the smallest guy you have ever seen out of his top pocket. The little man starts to play the most beautiful music you have ever heard :bow: The sound was resonating off the walls and windows. The bartender say's, "Wow thats is amazing here's a drink. Where the hell did you find an act like that?" "I found this genie bottle." The bartender grabs the bottle from the guy and gives it a rub. Out comes the oldest genie you have ever seen. The bartender say's "I want a million bucks!" Instantly there are DUCKS everywhere-- they are crashing into glasses,walls,through the windows,pooping on customers, the bartender shouts"I said a million bucks- not ducks!" The guy says "yeah well he's old and hard of hearing do you think I ask for a 8 inch pianist?" :lol:
If the ocean was made of WHISKEY and I was a DUCK I'd swim to the bottom and get all F!@#% up!
User avatar
O.D.Lid
hunter
 
Posts: 285
Joined: Mon Mar 18, 2013 8:43 pm
Location: Southern Idaho

Re: HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Postby danny6172 » Sun Mar 16, 2014 2:01 pm

A duck walks into a bar. The bartender asks the duck "what can I get for ya today?" The duck says nothing because ducks don't talk.
There are no ducks in AZ
User avatar
danny6172
hunter
 
Posts: 62
Joined: Tue Nov 19, 2013 12:55 pm

Re: HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Postby Glimmerjim » Sun Mar 16, 2014 2:45 pm

Guy goes bear hunting. Sees this great big old bear, takes aim with his 30-06, and BLAM! Can't see if it fell so he runs up to where it was and starts looking around. Suddenly he gets a little tap on the shoulder. He turns and there's this bear standing on 2 legs, about 8 foot high. Bear says "I was minding my own business and you just tried to kill me. I'm gonna give you a choice....you can either let me kill and eat ya, or you can pull down your pants, bend over, and make sounds like a sweet sow. Guy thinks "Jeez, I can't do that, but I've got a family to take care of....so jeez.....pulls down his pants, turns around and lets the bear have his way.
All the way home he's getting madder and madder about what the bear did to him. Goes down and gets a 7MM Mag. Goes out in the hills again and spots that SOB. Takes aim and BLAM! He knows he got him this time so he runs down all happy he got his revenge. As he's looking for the bear there's another little tap on his shoulder........"Oh,jeez." Turns around there's that same bear. Bear says "What, you didn't learn your lesson last time? Welp, we'll try this one more time, you've got the same choice."
Well this guy is fumin by now, but what choice does he have, so he bends over for the bear again.
Now he's pissed. Goes and gets a 458 Win Mag and sets out to finish this thing. Hunts for hours and hours until he spots that same old bear. Levels off the 458 and KABLAM!! When he picks himself off the ground he's sure he killed that old bastid, so he runs down to gloat. As he's looking around he feels another little tap on the shoulder!
"Oh my God!" He turns around and there's the bear looking at him kinda funny. Finally the bear says "I'm starting to think you ain't here just for the huntin."
Glimmerjim
hunter
 
Posts: 10822
Joined: Fri Jan 28, 2011 10:41 am

Re: HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Postby WisconsinWaterfowler » Sun Mar 16, 2014 4:59 pm

I don't understand how the bear is still alive.

Sent from my awesome Galaxy S4
User avatar
WisconsinWaterfowler
hunter
 
Posts: 5311
Joined: Mon Jun 30, 2008 12:02 pm
Location: Southern Wisconsin

Re: HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Postby charlie beard » Sun Mar 16, 2014 6:31 pm

Whino goes into the liquor store and says Sissy give me a bottle of the cheapest stuff you got.
Proceeds to the park and drinks the bottle and passes out on a park bench.
Gay fellow comes along and takes advantage of him.

Next day the bum buys another bottle of the cheap stuff and heads to the park.
Gay fellow comes along and takes advantage of him again.

Next day the whino goes into the liquor store and says Sissy give me the highest price wine ya got.
Sissy says you always buy the cheap Chit what's up.
The whino replies Sissy that cheap chit is tearing my ass up.
"If you put the Federal Government in charge of the Sahara desert,
in 5 years there'd be a shortage of sand"
charlie beard
hunter
 
Posts: 2236
Joined: Sat Dec 13, 2008 7:13 am
Location: West Central IL.

Re: HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Postby T Man » Sun Mar 16, 2014 9:30 pm

WisconsinWaterfowler wrote:I don't understand how the bear is still alive.

Sent from my awesome Galaxy S4


Its the assa/pintail complex.
Botiz630 wrote:How much does an apostrophe cost down south? Must be quite a bit, based on how sparingly you use them.
User avatar
T Man
Super Moderator
 
Posts: 5734
Joined: Thu May 06, 2010 7:42 pm
Location: Everywhere the English language is being abused...

Re: HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Postby sampsonhuntin » Sun Mar 16, 2014 9:41 pm

A guy from NC found birds without help.
Underradar wrote:If you are gonna be a duckhunting badass, you need that barrel sticker that reads:

Prison Is My Futre


copterdoc wrote:trim, for grinding.
User avatar
sampsonhuntin
hunter
 
Posts: 2638
Joined: Thu Mar 31, 2011 8:45 am
Location: roseboro, north carolina

Re: HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Postby O.D.Lid » Sun Mar 16, 2014 9:42 pm

:bow: A guy goes duck hunting and limited out by 9 in the morning. Good day till he got back to his truck and a game warden was standing next to it. "Looks like you all had a good mornin'" He started looking over the day's harvest and pick's up one of the ducks, shoves his finger up the duck's ass then sniff's his finger a couple of times. " Why this here duck is from Mississippi, sure hope you have a Mississippi duck hunting license." The hunter fumbles through his wallet and produces a Mississippi duck hunting license. The warden grabs another duck shoves his finger up the duck's ass and says "this here duck is from Ohio, sure hope you have an Ohio duck hunting license." Once again the hunter finds his Ohio license. The warden grabs yet another does the same thing then smells his finger for the longest time and says "Ah ha this one is from Kansas" the hunter getting kinda pissed shows his Kansas license. Texas, Florida, Idaho!!! the warden shouts and the hunter shows every license. Finally after every duck was checked the warden says " hey fella you are the first guy I have ever checked that has all his tags and I haven't been able to write a citation where the hell are you from?" The hunter turns around drops his drawers and says" Hell I don't know you tell me!"
If the ocean was made of WHISKEY and I was a DUCK I'd swim to the bottom and get all F!@#% up!
User avatar
O.D.Lid
hunter
 
Posts: 285
Joined: Mon Mar 18, 2013 8:43 pm
Location: Southern Idaho

Re: HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Postby Glimmerjim » Mon Mar 17, 2014 12:11 am

WisconsinWaterfowler wrote:I don't understand how the bear is still alive.

Sent from my awesome Galaxy S4

Because he kept using the same scope and the reticles were out of alignment. That's the funny part! What an idiot, huh? :thumbsup:
Glimmerjim
hunter
 
Posts: 10822
Joined: Fri Jan 28, 2011 10:41 am

Re: HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Postby sprigpig1 » Mon Mar 17, 2014 1:29 am

sprigs4days wrote:Image


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Dang!! S4D.. You definitely get the over the top award!

So that's why Ned Beaty doesn't duck hunt anymore.
"suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of congress, But I repeat myself".- Mark Twain

"Go to heaven for the climate , go to hell for the company".- Mark Twain
User avatar
sprigpig1
Forum Moderator
 
Posts: 1460
Joined: Tue Dec 23, 2008 10:16 pm
Location: Reno,NV

Re: HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Postby KAhunter » Mon Mar 17, 2014 5:57 am

This is a good one. Not a joke really but a good story and funny and one I remember hearing as a kid while hunting. Worth the watch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=S5t_9PKffmM

I couldnt figure out how to put the video up here if someone wants to fix it for me. thanks.
"If you have to be crazy to be a duck hunter, i dont wish to be sane" Robert Ruark

Its always duck season, there is just a long break from february to september.
KAhunter
hunter
 
Posts: 1979
Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 9:11 am

Re: HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Postby TXducksanddeer » Mon Mar 17, 2014 7:14 am

No homo.
User avatar
TXducksanddeer
hunter
 
Posts: 526
Joined: Sat Jun 08, 2013 10:11 am
Location: Waco TX

Re: HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Postby crica » Mon Mar 17, 2014 7:49 am

Not really a hunting joke . A gay bloke from London takes a camping holiday in the rockies , first night just pitching his tent when a grizzly bursts out of the brush and with one swipe knocks the guy off his feet and draped over a fallen log , before the guy can move the grizzly mounts him and gives him what for then leaves him cut bruised and with a sore a**s . Next day a rambler finds him and calls the emergency services , guy spends rest of holiday in hospital recovering .After 2 weeks goes home to his "friend" in London .OOOH look at you , what happened ? guy tells his mate all that happened ." OOOH , did he hurt you ?" "Hurt me ?" says first guy "I should say so!!!!!! he,s never phoned , never written....
crica
hunter
 
Posts: 41
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 4:38 pm

Re: HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Postby waterdogds » Mon Mar 17, 2014 7:50 am

If you take a Baptist fishing with you, you better take two of them. This way one will watch over the other and make sure neither get into any trouble. If you only take one, he'll drink all of your beer.
"He who knows nothing is closer to the truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehoods and errors." Thomas Jefferson
User avatar
waterdogds
hunter
 
Posts: 1877
Joined: Sat Nov 19, 2011 7:45 am
Location: Sopchoppy, Florida

Re: HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Postby cluckmeister » Mon Mar 17, 2014 11:02 pm

A buddy and I were hunting for quail one day and not having much luck, so we headed into a small farm town for lunch. We stopped at the local diner and walked in, there sat 4 old timers at a table shooting the breeze. We sat down and ordered our food and noticed one by one the old guys were leaving until only one remained. I guess this old fellow was a bit lonesome sitting there and he struck up a conversation with us. Well one thing led to another and he told us he had 400 acres that was loaded with quail and nobody ever hunted it. He said we were more than welcome to come and hunt any time as long as we called first, he scribbled some info on a piece of paper and gave it to me and I stuck in in my wallet, we made sure we paid for his lunch when we left and said we would be calling. The three of us walked out together and his truck just happened to be next to ours, I heard the bell on my dog ring just as he got in his truck, I looked in the back of my truck and my darned dog was on point. My buddy and I just stood there wondering what the H was going on with the dog. Well the old man left and when he did the dog went off of point. As we pulled out of town my buddy says hand me that paper he gave you, reads it and says, well Ill be damned. I said whats the issue, he said you wont believe this but that old mans name was


Yep you guessed it Bob White
If you're there for the limit, you're there for the wrong reason
cluckmeister
hunter
 
Posts: 1986
Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2012 3:41 pm
Location: Central Kansas

Re: HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Postby copterdoc » Tue Mar 18, 2014 5:53 am

A group of three longtime hunting buddies went out for their annual week long deer camp. The first night, they played cards, joked around, and drank whisky.

In the morning, they went out to their stands, to wait for a deer to come within range.

At 9:00 A.M. Jim shot a deer, gutted it out, and walked towards Bill's stand for help dragging it out.
As he neared the stand, he noticed that Bill wasn't in it. A short search found Bill sitting on a log, passed out with his pants around his ankles.

Jim being a sharp minded fellow, went back to the deer, gathered up the gut pile, and placed it on the ground under Bill's bare backside.

Then, he went on to find Steve seated in his stand, who assisted him in dragging the deer back to the cabin. The task completed, they returned to the previous night's activities, while awaiting the return of Bill.

Two hours later Bill stumbled into the cabin. His face was pallid, and his breathing was labored.

Jim asked "How's it going Bill?"

Bill replied, "Not good at all! I sh** my guts out this morning!"
"But, with a little work and this here sharp stick, I got them all back in again!"
User avatar
copterdoc
hunter
 
Posts: 5918
Joined: Sat Dec 06, 2008 12:55 pm

Re: HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Postby O.D.Lid » Sun Mar 30, 2014 1:29 pm

:grooving: A self made millionaire found out he had a terminal disease and had quite the problem leaving his hard earned money to any of his worthless sons! He gathered them together and handed each one a DUCK. "Boy's.... here is a Duck for each of you, go out in the world and sell them and who ever gets the most will inherit my fortunes!" Son #1 goes out knocking on doors, duck in hand. The first door he goes to a lady answers and he say's " I have a very special Duck here and it only costs $20 bucks!" The lady replies," you know son, I have been thinking of getting a Duck" and hands over the 20 dollars. The first son being lazy in nature figures "good enough" and goes home. Son # 2 see's his brother's dealings and runs to the same house "Hey lady do you know Ducks mate for life and this here Duck is the mate of the one my brother sold you!" "Oh, well my goodness I didn't know that, I'll give you $20 bucks" Son # 2 thinks to himself, "Ha, I'll split Dad's money and I really don't want to work any harder today" Sold! He say's to the the lady and goes home feeling pretty smug. Son # 3 hears the news from his brothers and goes to the same house and knocks. The lady tells him she has a mating pair and doesn't want any more Ducks! Dejected he goes to the house next door and knocks. A gorgeous leggy lady dressed in lingerie answers the door. " Well hello sonny what you got there?" "A very special Duck, it will eat all the snails and bugs in your yard" She laughs and say's you know this is a house of ill-repute, but you know we are a little slow today if you want I'll take that Duck for some favors. Son #3 thinks, screw the inheritance I'm going to get me some! He finishes up and get's ready to leave and the madame say's " Hey boy, you were pretty good how about some seconds." "Well I ain't got no money and you have my Duck!" Ah, I don't want that damn Duck you can have it back just come on back in here! Bamm #2 for #3!! She gives him his Duck back and he leaves smiling from ear to ear! A semi goes roaring down the road and scares the Duck from his hands and it flies right in front of the truck and gets smashed to pieces! The truck driver stops, apologises to the boy, and says "sorry I'm in a hurry you clean up the mess and here's $20 bucks!" The Dad lines up the 3 boys. Walks up to the 1st boy and ask how he did with his Duck? "Well Dad I sold mine for $20 bucks!" Dad thinks that's a fair market value and quite the profit, maybe I underestimated your business savvy. Boy # 2 tells the dad he told the lady his was the mate and also got $20 bucks! Dad thinks, things are looking up maybe the boys could work together and succeed in business. Dad goes to son #3 looks at his bloody, mess up Duck, and say's. "looks like you didn't do so well!" The youngest of the brothers say's "wait a minute pops.. I GOT A F@#K FOR A DUCK- A DUCK FOR A F@#*K AND $20 BUCKS FOR A F@#*KED UP DUCK :fingerhead:
Last edited by O.D.Lid on Mon May 19, 2014 8:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.
If the ocean was made of WHISKEY and I was a DUCK I'd swim to the bottom and get all F!@#% up!
User avatar
O.D.Lid
hunter
 
Posts: 285
Joined: Mon Mar 18, 2013 8:43 pm
Location: Southern Idaho

Re: HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Postby Baymen Moe » Sun Mar 30, 2014 2:15 pm

Two Maine hunters are on their second annual moose hunt deep in the woods of Maine. They fly into a remote lake and the bush pilot drops them off. The pilot says to call him when they are ready to leave.

Each hunter proceeds to bag a large moose in the 700 to 800 pound range, and call the bush pilot to come and get them.

They drag their moose to the shoreline and the plane arrives to get them out.

When the bush pilot sees the two large moose he says, "There's no way this plane is gonna get us and the moose up in the air, way to heavy.

One of the hunter's speaks up and says, "Now look here, last year we took two moose about the same size and had no problem getting the plane in the air, and it was just like this plane."

The pilot concedes and they procede to take off from the lake without a hitch. As they clear the lake the plane goes down in the tall pines and crashes to the ground. When one hunter asks the other, "Hey, where do you think we are?"

His answer, "I'd say we're about a hundred yards from where we crashed last year"
Baymen Moe
hunter
 
Posts: 1343
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2009 6:41 am
Location: South Shore, Ma.

Re: HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Postby ducks~n~bucks » Sun Mar 30, 2014 9:39 pm

ScaupHunter wrote:Oompa Loompa Loofah de do. Who wants to share a Loofa with you?
ducks~n~bucks
McLovin
 
Posts: 3626
Joined: Mon Nov 22, 2010 12:50 pm

Re: HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Postby Glimmerjim » Tue Apr 01, 2014 3:10 am

ducks~n~bucks wrote:

What a character! :lol3: :thumbsup:
Glimmerjim
hunter
 
Posts: 10822
Joined: Fri Jan 28, 2011 10:41 am

Re: HUNTING JOKES!?@#!

Postby Glimmerjim » Wed Apr 09, 2014 4:54 pm

Baymen Moe wrote:Two Maine hunters are on their second annual moose hunt deep in the woods of Maine. They fly into a remote lake and the bush pilot drops them off. The pilot says to call him when they are ready to leave.

Each hunter proceeds to bag a large moose in the 700 to 800 pound range, and call the bush pilot to come and get them.

They drag their moose to the shoreline and the plane arrives to get them out.

When the bush pilot sees the two large moose he says, "There's no way this plane is gonna get us and the moose up in the air, way to heavy.

One of the hunter's speaks up and says, "Now look here, last year we took two moose about the same size and had no problem getting the plane in the air, and it was just like this plane."

The pilot concedes and they procede to take off from the lake without a hitch. As they clear the lake the plane goes down in the tall pines and crashes to the ground. When one hunter asks the other, "Hey, where do you think we are?"

His answer, "I'd say we're about a hundred yards from where we crashed last year"

:lol3: Not hunting related, but reminds me of the old Ron White schtick....
"O jeez...oh God....if we lose an engine (on a little plane) how far do you think the other will take us?"

Ron White...."I'd guess all the way to the crash site."

And then he goes on to say something about at least he bets they'll beat the rescue vehicles there by about ten minutes. :lol3:
Glimmerjim
hunter
 
Posts: 10822
Joined: Fri Jan 28, 2011 10:41 am


Return to The Honey Hole

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: gcs and 15 guests