NASCAR FAN’S RULES (modified)
By Gary A
Nobody knows that I write for an online NASCAR website (for free) Well, I have not posted anything in a few months because I am having a hard time being inspired this year. The Redneck games post reminded me of something I wrote a few years ago. It still makes me laugh. So after much debate with myself about posting this, I thought I would share it...
Now we all know that all sports have rules. We have rules that, like it or not we have to follow. We have laws that govern us as a nation, and Bible gives us the 10 Commandments. (Until the ACLU has something to say about it) Thou shall not have flames that look stupid on the 24 car. I guess Moses missed that one. As NASCAR gains in popularity I am starting to see the unwritten rules of fan conduct being broken. I will never be the person you will be heard saying “There ought to be a law against….” That’s not me. I do believe things are fine the way they are...just because. (Like the point system not being changed) Now if you are new to NASCAR I will help you out by explaining the parameters of being a NASCAR fan. First of which is never use the word “parameter” when talking about NASCAR. Let us start…
NASCAR is always spelled in capital letters. Not “nascar” or “Nascar”, Its NASCAR. Got it? When holding a NASCAR party at your residence (on TV obviously), never serve any food that sounds French. Things like éclairs, quiche or escargot. This is stupid food and will bring you much deserved shame and humiliation. Always serve dead red meat. (Cram it PETA) This red meat must be grilled, deep fried or smoked. Poultry is always an accepted food, (bonus if it is deep fried). Foods such as hors’ordorves (or however you spell it) are ok as long as you do not call them that. Just say “anybody want some meat thingy on a stick?” And it better be a “meat thingy on a stick.” (The “stick” could be an antenna from an old 65 Chevy) The non-meat foods can include; potato salad, potato chips, grilled potatoes and deep fried potatoes. (Not French fries) Always have pretzels. Shrimp, Crawdads, (Crayfish for us Northern folk) steamed clams and soft shelled crabs can be a bonus. Deviled eggs and corn on the cob are both good to serve. Lots of cheese, beef log, opossum log and squirrel log are fine. You must always have some kind of venison there, this is a necessity. No Champaign! Cheap wine like Night Train is ok if you want to see your buddy “CHUCK”. Other than that, you must only serve beverages that sponsor NASCAR teams, and a lot of it…to make the games more fun, but we will get to that later.
Dress and Attire
No formal wear should ever be worn to any race event or party unless you are military, police, firemen, clergy, any of the France (not food) family or Mike Helton. You must
sport your drivers gear no matter where they are in the points chase. If you wear a tie to a race party, expect it to be somebody’s head band later. You will not want your tie back after that, because it has been other places you don’t want to know about. This happens when you were fretting about the cost of it and not looking who had it last. Bikinis are encouraged. Speedos are not. Shirt wearing for guys is optional, but don’t complain about hairy backs…it’s all part of it. So, to sum it all up, don’t wear what you don’t want ruined. Just about everything gets thrown out or goes right to the wash because it has rib sauce, blood or Night Train all over it.
As NASCAR reaches new markets and new demographics, the music you might want to use is useless. I personally like the nu-metal music for NASCAR highlights. A heavy thunderous drumbeat, drop D bass lines and a rhythmic crunching guitar chunk, flows with the atmosphere of cars racing at 180 and piling up in “the big one”. This is better for NASCAR than say…the dueling banjos. (Unless they are showing a Bodine) (Hehehehe). Don’t play music at your NASCAR party during the race. You can play John Boy and Billy CD’s though. (During commercials only, that nobody will pay attention to anyway) Jeff Gordon singing in the bathroom is a good cut to start with. Those of you who know what I’m talking about are laughing. Music is for the after race festivities; a.k.a. games you make up after the NASCAR beer sponsors you consumed takes over. As long as it is not music from Wham, Culture Club, A-Ha, Men without Hats, R.E.M (I hate them), etc…just about any music will do, until someone complains. So just hide your stereo instead, because you might find that someone just tried to play your pet goldfish in the 8-track player.
Let the Games Begin
Now, I’m not sure every NASCAR party has to have post race games. But they sure are fun. I’m not even sure it’s a tradition among all race fans. But it is with me, so you are going to hear about it anyway. Maybe it will give you some ideas if you are looking for after race activities. Cards are always great way to get in a fight with your friends about money…so bet away. I don’t know what to call this next one other than “hit 3-D archery target with the dog’s ball, while standing on the deck.” It is easy to play. Everybody kick in your wager. Next, hit the target, the one closest to the head wins. Don’t forget to argue about who hits the closest. The always fun to play, “draw on your passed out drunk buddy with a Sharpie” is crowd favorite. His boss will be sure to love his “new” tattoos when he stumbles into work late the next day. If you are a guest at a NASCAR party, entertain yourself with the challenging “hide the bed” competition. “Upside-down dresser drawers” is a blast along with “duct tape the annoying drunk”. “Dodge the Lawn Dart” is a dangerous game and should never be played, unless some kind of high powered rifle or shotgun is employed. Somebody will usually have a four wheeler there, and they are fun. Especially inside the house. “Get the dogs as muddy as possible” is a great one, this is also more fun when played outside first and then moved indoors. “Tease you friend’s kids” is more of an individual sport. This is a good one to play when a round of “dodge the Lawn Dart” is going on. You could even try “Slinky fighting”, welt each other up with “slinky’s”, then toss tangled metal mess into garbage or better yet, chuck them into the neighbor’s yard. Then laugh your head off when you hear him hit them with his lawn mower. Games that should never be played include anything with rules. You may use regular board games as long as you to turn “hungry, hungry hippos” into “hungry, hungry hippos that like to eat lit firecrackers”. Or instead of “Ants in pants” make it, “Living fire ants, without pants.” It is up to you to take it from there.
So, anyway. If you want your NASCAR party to be a hit, make it so much fun that you will never want to have one again. Likewise, if you are guest, help make sure your host will never want to have one again. If you happen to see new fans breaking old rules, remind them gently that they are in violation of tradition. Warn them also that they only have one chance to “fix it.” Speaking of the 10 commandments, it just gave me an idea for my next piece. Have fun everybody.
Man...I need to start writing about NASCAR again...