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I like to read all of your jokes so i thought maybe just make a topic specifically for them. If you got a good one put it in here.... I'll start.

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. > They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi >arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. >They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon."He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! > The cabdriver hit a parked car...

:toofunny:
 

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Boudroux woke up one night yellin' and hollerin' about all the noise Clarence was making across the bayou. He told Cloteal that Clarence played his music too loud and his dogs barked too much. He said, "in the mornin' I'm gonna go cross da bayou an wup up on Clarence an show him whose boss!" So when morning broke Boudroux got out of bed and started down the road to the bridge. When he got to the bridge, he turned his old truck around and headed back home. Not ten minutes had passed and Boudroux was already home. Cloteal exclaimed, "Boudroux, ya musta showed him, you only been gone 10 minutes!" Boudroux said, "when I got to tha bridge an saw Clearance was 9 foot 6 inches, I figured a lil' music an a few pups ner hurt no budy!"
 

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well this is actually a true story and not a joke but around here almost everyone hunts deer or something so it is always a good ground breaker when you meet someone new.
i was in the local hardware store and this guy comes in to shop so i started talking to him and started off with the usual are you ready for the start of deer season and the guys face sorta starts lookin a little pale.
he says OH NO ! i dont hunt anymore cause im not getting shot by some idiot out there.
so i say what do you mean.
he says i used to hunt alot but one day i was out in the woods huntin deer before light and i seen a couple other lights out there so i kept walkin until i didnt see them anymore.
then as it started getting light it looked like a really good place so i decided to stay there for a while then he says about an hr after light i hadnt seen anything at all and bang , bang there are these 2 shots really close to me just over the hill a hundered yds or so away so i decided to walk on over after a few min to see if the guy might need help draggin one out.
so then he says i walked on over and there stands the guy so i said did you get one or what.
the guy tells him no you see that thick brush pile down over the hill about 150 yds away and the guy says oh yea.
well i seen somethin moving in there as soon as it got light and i watched it for a while but it didnt come out so i threw 2 shots into the pile but still nothing came out !
so anyway the guy says that was the last ime i was ever in the woods and i dont hunt anymore.
he said he sold his guns and threw away his clothes thats how scared he was by what the other guy had done.
 

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There used to be ALOT of sound shooting with rifles here in MN. You hear a sound and the nimrod would shoot at it. :eek: :pissed:

Actually I do not blame the guy for quitting. Some morons should never ever hold a lic they are so stupid about safety IMO. :thumbsdown:
 

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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the
wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the
room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks
up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years Ago when we were dating,
and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears
thinking that her husband is so caring sensitive. "Yes, I do" she
replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you
remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making
love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside him. The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the
shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will
send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......

"I would have gotten out today."
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
:toofunny: Theres one to tell the hunting buddies... and as to the story of the guy who quit hunting, I would have to agree with what he did...how do some of those people get a license anyway? I now see one of the better reasons for having hunter safety be required. Scary to think people will shoot at movement, especially since i dont sit and wait, but rather walk until i get one up or spot one standing. :eek:
 

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NFL jokes for you. Insert any team name, I just used the Redskins cause they really suck this year.

What does a possum and the redskins have in common? Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

How do you keep a redskins player off of your front lawn? Put up goal posts!

Where do you go if there is a tornado in Washington DC? FEDEX Field cause there ain't been a touchdown there in years!

WHat do you call a redskins player with a superbowl ring? A damn thief!

How many redskins players does it take to win a superbowl? Nobody knows now and nobody every will.

Why don't they put a professional team in Fairfax? Cause then Washington will want one too.

I have more, just having trouble thinking of them.
 

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KS...Do you listen to the the "Bob and Tom" show? Just wondering.
Good luck with your firefighting job by the way. I did firefighting in the navy and when I got out. I know it is not an easy thing to do. The best to you.
 

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Theres a mexican man wanting to get into Texas, he walks up to the clerk at the border and asks if he can cross into Texas, she says no but if he can use a sentence with Green, Pink, and Yellow in it that he can cross. So he thinks for a minute and says, The phone started greenging so i pinked it up and said yellow.-----IF your not from Texas this may not be funny because your probably havent heard the speech before. But hope you liked it.
 
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