[h2ofwlr]

There used to be ALOT of sound shooting with rifles here in MN. You hear a sound and the nimrod would shoot at it. issed:

Actually I do not blame the guy for quitting. Some morons should never ever hold a lic they are so stupid about safety IMO. :thumbsdown:

 

[h2ofwlr]

At first I was thinking the 2 ducks were checking out the decoy's butt :yes:

Kinda like the dogs do to each other...

Q. What is the difference between a lawyer laying dead in the road and a skunk laying dead in the road?

A. There are no skids marks on the road before the lawyers body.

 

[h2ofwlr]

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with
the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency
room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde
replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by
shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the
gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $16,000.00 for these breast
implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the
doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid
$3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the
mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is
going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I
pulled the trigger."

I do not care what you say.........but that thar is downright funny! :toofunny:

 

[h2ofwlr]

That a pretty good one ACE! :laughing:

 

[h2ofwlr]

Stouff will apreciate this one...

******* dog carrier
[siteimg]636[/siteimg]

Ahh huh...
[siteimg]637[/siteimg]

 

[h2ofwlr]

How to get the girl....
[siteimg]638[/siteimg]

And where her father goes to shop 3 months later...
[siteimg]639[/siteimg]
Can you say shotgun wedding? Suuuure....

 

[h2ofwlr]

BUMPER STICKERS

YOU PROBABLY MISSED SOME OF THESE BUMPER STICKERS BECAUSE YOU WEREDRIVING OO FAST.
The last is exceptional.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Constipated People Don't Give A crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horn Broken.. Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If We Quit Voting,
Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost,
But Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service.
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Body By Nautilus;
Brain By Mattel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE
--- PLANT A MAN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals;
Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THE GREATEST BUMPER STICKER EVER :

"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON"

 

[h2ofwlr]

New Job opening... trainer wanted

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One
is a retired navy pilot in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous
blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is
one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or
you're history Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants totry out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and
the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half
way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts
licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body
for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on th! e floor. He says, "I've never seen a
display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired pilot and asks,
"Can you top that?"

The savy old pilot replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the
way."

 

[h2ofwlr]

Blonde and Chimpanzees

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San
Diego when she was flagged down by a man
whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you
going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours
fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two
chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to
the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already
so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.
Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?
I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back
seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into
their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving
through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was
horrified!!

There was the blonde walking down the street and
holding hands with the two chimps, much to the
amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes
he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I
gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had
money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.[/b]

 

[h2ofwlr]

Golfers
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

 

[h2ofwlr]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams.

Then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony.

She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

 

[h2ofwlr]

Cowboys and Cowgirls

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.

On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.

Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.

"Oh my", she says, "What is that?"

"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".

She slides her hands further down and gasps.
"Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.

"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.

Finally, the couple begin to make love.
After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".

Her husband, panting a little, asks,
"What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"

"No", the bride replies.
"Just undo them darn knots. I need more rope!

 

[h2ofwlr]

The Blond and the pine tree

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window and pointing to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

 

[h2ofwlr]

A guy is sitting in a bar having a beer next to a blonde who is reading a newspaper.

The headline in the paper reads "Twelve Brazilian Skiers Killed in Avalanche".

Sobbing uncontrollably at this unfortunate news, the blonde turns to the guy and says, "My God! How many is a brazilian?"

 

[h2ofwlr]

You know you are a ******* if you have ever had to climb up a watertower with a pail of paint to white out a trashy message to defend your sister's honor. Jeff Foxworthy

"Have you ever noticed that those that are for gun control are the ones that should be shot?" Tim Wilson

:laughing:

 

[h2ofwlr]

Ole and Sven in Hell

Ole and Sven from International Falls, Minnesota die and wake up in Hell.

The devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming them selves around the fire.

The devil asks them "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

Ole replies, "Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two guys from Minnesota, the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourself."

Sven replies, "Vell,! ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice."

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell.

The next morning, the temperature is 40 below zero, icicles are Hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold an you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?"

They both look ! at the devil in surprise and say, "Vell , don't ya know, if Hell is froze over dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl."

---------

3 wishes by Lars, Sven, and Ole

Lars, Sven, and Ole are deer hunting in the deep woods when they are over come by a terrible snow storm and are about to die. Lars stumbles on the creek bank and his foot dislodges a magic lamp from which a genie appears. The genie offers three wishes. Lars says "I'd like to home in my warm bed with my lovely young bride." Poof, he's gone. Sven says "I'd like to be home in front of the fireplace with a hot supper." Poof, he's gone. The genie then asked Ole for his wish. Ole rubbed the frozen ice from his eyes and said "I'm so cold and lonely out here in the woods, I wish Sven and Lars were still with me."

 

[h2ofwlr]

Wedding Story

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister in law was 22, wore very tight mini skirts and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when I was near anyone else. One day, "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I married and committed my life to her sister. Well I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father in law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family"

The moral of the story is: Always keep your condoms in your car...

 

[h2ofwlr]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to
her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's
bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each
other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarter back! Get the
quarter back!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents

--------------

Young Sean O'brien enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Sean O'Brien?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not tell her name."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then ?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration."You're a steadfast lad, Sean O'Brien, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Five good leads," says Sean.

 

[h2ofwlr]

Hillbilly Mirror

After living in the remote wilderness of West Virginia's mountains all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy!"

He bought the 'picture,' but on the way home he remembered his ife, Lizzy, didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn.. Every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed,"So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with.

 

[h2ofwlr]

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED

Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me

Manic -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and......

Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas