[h2ofwlr]

Remember to keep them fairly clean (no R rated ones please..., PG-13 or cleaner are OK here)

Hear about the blonde who...
============================

* Took her new scarf back to the store
because was too tight.

* Couldn't learn to water ski because she
couldn't find a lake with a slope.

* Can't work in a pharmacy because the
bottles won't fit into the typewriter.

* Got excited because she finished a
jigsaw puzzle in six months. The box had said "2 to 4
years."

* Was trapped on an escalator for hours
when the power went out.

* Couldn't call 911 because there was no
11 on any phone button.

* When asked what the capital of
California was, answered "C."

* Can't make KoolAid because eight cups of
water won't fit into one of those little packets.

* Got hurt when she fell out of the tree
while raking leaves.

* Changes the baby's diaper only once a
month because the label said "Good up to 20 pounds."

* After losing in a breaststroke swimming
competition, complained that the other swimmers were
using their arms. (HAHAHAHA)

* What goes "vroomscreechvroomscreech"?
A blonde at a flashing red light.

* Two blondes are trying to get into their
car using a coat hanger when one says, "Hurry, it's
starting to rain, and the top is down."

 

[puddlerjumper]

haha, those are some good ones, but i donthave any that arent r rated, so im gonna keep em to myself, pm me if you want to know them

 

[huntall6]

good topic from a few years ago. :lol3:
how do you know a blonde has been using the computer??

there is white-out on the screen.

how do you know a second blonde has been using the computer??

there is writing on the white-out.

 

[Coleman24]

well it looks like blonde jokes are the way to go, so here are a few:

What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO? There have been sightings of UFOs

What job does a blonde have at an M&M factory? She proof reads

last but not least my favorite:

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the paint can,
"for best results, put on two coats"

 

[tucker301]

An Irishman went to confession.

"Father", he confessed, "it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month."

The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."

Soon, another Irishman entered the confessional.

"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've been having sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questioned, "Who is this Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replied.

"Very well", sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys."

At mass the next morning as the priest was preparing to deliver the sermon a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redhead entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church were on her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.

Her dress was green and very short and she was wearing matching, shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as she sat with her legs spread slightly apart ...just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears, but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."

 

[duckkillerclyde^3]

A group of nuns went out for a night on the town

1st nun goes to confession and says "father, I looked at a penis"
father says, "wash your eyes with holy water" so she does

2nd nun goes to confession and says "father, I touched a penis"
father says, "wash your hands in holy water" so she does.

3rd nun goes to confession and says "father, I" and was interrupted by the 4th nun shouting "can I gargle before sister mary sticks her ass in the water?"

 

[HotDog]

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo --
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...."Defrost the chicken."

 

[Hap McGee]

QUESTION - What would you call a dead guy floating around out in the ocean ??

ANSWER - Bob

 

[Cujo1]

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CALL A DOG WITHOUT ANY LEGS?

iT DOESN'T MATTER, THE SOB ISN'T COMING ANYWAY!

 

[norcal_tom]

what happened when the duck flew upside down....

he quacked up

what did one earthquake say to the other.....

its not my fault

 

[ducks~n~bucks]

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on ...

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on:

Mycoxafloppin.

 

[ducks~n~bucks]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars ... a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
and
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

 

[ducks~n~bucks]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Everytime you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's." The hands had never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man "And whose clock is that one?" *

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock." The hands had moved twice. Telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.

"Where's President Barack Obama's clock?" asked the man.

"President Obama's clock is in Jesus' office." St. Peter responded.

"President Obama's clock is so important it is in Jesus' office?" Asked, the man.

"Yes, he's using it as a ceiling fan." Responded St. Peter.

 

[ducks~n~bucks]

A man and his wife are seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.

After the waiter arrives the man says, "I'LL have your biggest, thickest Porterhouse steak."

The waiter replies "But monsieur ... what about ze mad cow?"

The man replies, "She'll have a salad."

 

[huntall6]

why did the blonde have bruises around her belly button...

her boyfriend is blonde too.

 

[huntall6]

why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory??

she threw away all of the E's 3's and W's.

 

[huntall6]

why did the blonde bring a car door to the desert??

so she could roll down the window when she got hot.

 

[don taylor]

Here's an old one.

A guy wakes in the morning and comes down stairs to find his wife in front of the stove with a sock sizzling in a frying pan.

He asks his wife ' Honey, what are you doing?'

She replied ' I'm doing exactly what you asked me to do when you came to bed drunk last night.'

He turns away, puzzled, and thinks to himself...

Funny, I don't remember asking her to cook my sock...

 

[goodkarmarising]

Ok...my bad joke of the day..

Why do ghosts like skyscrapers?

Because of all the scare stories.

 

[steelslinger]

Two guys from Kentucky were sitting on the front porch talking and of course drinking.
Jeb looked at Bubba and said, "If I was to sneak over to your house on Saturday while you was out hunting and
have sex with your wife and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

Bubba looked at Jeb and said, "Hell no we wouldn't be kin but we would damn sure be even".