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If Santa answered his mail honestly......

Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy.

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door
in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up
that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Dear Sana I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud
boy all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a @#$% book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for
is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of

Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where
I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking
myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing
money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do.
I'm skipping your house.

Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy, That whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our
Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your
butt whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent apartment complex. The Third, I get inside your pad just like all the
burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa
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