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Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest

#1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."

#2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says, "Dam!"

#3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire
in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

#4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The
other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

#5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

#6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them
to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he
said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

#7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a
family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she
tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her
husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal."

#8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to
buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought
the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down,
but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up
the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh
can prevent florist friars.

#9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him ...... (Oh, man, this is so bad,
it's good)....A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

#10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns
to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did.
 

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#9 was pretty crazy :getdown:
 

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Old Grandma Jones lost her eye when she was younger and got a fake one. Every time one of the grandkids called and said they were coming to visit she always replied, Ill keep an eye out for ya.
 
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